Thursday, January 10, 2013

In Which I'm Good At Like 7.5 Things

First of all, I just read Mindy Kaling's book "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (and other concerns)". It was the most hilarious read of all time, at least by my standards. I even highlighted it with a pink pen so I can be sure and remember her most funny and/or poignant lines. I am currently devising a plan to be best friends with her, but haven't thought of anything good yet.

In other news, I'm reading this article called "10 Things Everyone Should Know How To Do By 30". Here's the things they think I should be good at, and how I feel about them:

1. How to budget
   Don't worry friends, got this one under wraps! If there is anything I love, it's a spreadsheet filled with color coded columns and numbers, with rows of costs owed and rows of balances remaining, and a final column at the end that shows my glorious ability to defeat debt and its underlings! A friend let me write her a budget the other day, and it was basically the epitome of everything I've always wanted to do. Sadly, I can't get paid to do this as I'm no financial wizard, just an ordinary list lover who loves seeing money disappear from bad places, and reappear in good places - like ING savings accounts.

2. How to cook at least one signature dish
   I mean, I've got like twenty at minimum. No brainer.

3. How to write professionally
   While this blog may not intuitively point in that direction, I am truly capable of writing without exclamation points, all capital letters, italics, and run on sentences containing big words littered with "um" and "like". I am really good at writing professional, polished, grammatically correct thingeys.

4. How not to part with your hard earned cash
   This is, in essence, why I had to write myself a budget. Without a structured way for me to handle my money, I am really, really good at parting with it. Like, someone should probably pay me back for all the stimulating of the economy that I have done. Anyways, since I began budgeting I can no longer say that I am incapable of hanging on to my cash. So, number 4, I have conquered you!

5. How to change a flat tire
   Well. I mean, technically I know how. But it seems silly to me to really need to know it anywhere other than in theory as my husband is a mechanic, and also very manly. I feel very much like Sherlock Holmes would about this, in that it is simply pointless for me to fill my brain with knowledge that is entirely unnecessary for me to have and will never be useful to me.
   When I was in college, my brain contained all kinds of useful information, like how to change one's headlight, check the oil, replace windshield wipers, and differentiate between coolant and oil on the driveway. Since meeting the proverbial man of my dreams, I no longer have need of this knowledge. I am quite sure I would be perfectly capable of changing my own tire but in reality, why bother, when I have a guy sitting right over there?

6. How to look up your credit report
   Now, this one I find very silly. Unless you live in a cave with no access to the internet or a television (well I guess technically if you are living in a cave you have no need of a credit report to begin with) it is virtually impossible for you to be incapable of figuring out how to do this., .com, .com! Also, if you are not all up on finance knowledge, don't go checking your credit report too often because it's actually bad for your credit. I don't know why this is, so don't ask me. Also, I don't really care so you don't have to tell me either.

7. How to manage your money digitally
   I can only take this to mean "go paperless", which I did years ago and I find anyone who hasn't done so to be quite silly. The end.

8. How to swim
   Uh. I can doggy paddle. I can backfloat. Oh, and I am REALLY good at lying on my blue brookstone pool float with a margarita in one hand and Star magazine in the other. Swim to save my life? Doubtful. This article says, "On the most basic level, it will keep you safe whether you’re ever caught in rough waters or ice skating on a frozen pond." Ok so first of all, I could have come up with way better reasons for needing to know how to swim. Like, "you will look like an idiot when you go on an expensive vacation and are the only one on the 'lets-swim-with-stingrays-expedition' who won't put a snorkel on".
   Second of all, I have no intention of ever being caught in "rough waters". And if I ever am, I will immediately give up and drown because I have already come to terms with the fact that I simply will not survive. I do not swim in the ocean as I have a deep, mostly justified fear of the ocean. Mainly the non-caribbean ones. I am scared of not being able to see what's at the bottom, of large waves, of the tide that's obviously going to sweep you out to sea where you will be lost forever, and of the sharks (that you can't even see because of the whole not-seeing-to-the-bottom problem) that are inevitably swimming around, just waiting to pounce upon some unsuspecting victim. This is mostly different from ponds and lakes. Different in that I will swim in them, but there is always that underlying possibility of some kind of Loch Nessy monster grabbing your foot or a deformed X-Files creature just waiting to seal your doom, so I usually end up back in the canoe. I'm so much better at tanning than at swimming.
   Thirdly. Exactly what frozen pond is one in danger of skating on here? This isn't some Little Women novel where we are all frolicking in overgrown woods and there is a random pond that no one really seems to know about where we play all winter. If such places do exist, I live no where near them and never will. Well, I did when I was 6. I digress. Ice skating where I live at this time in my life only takes place on a very crowded ice rink. You pay an exorbitant amount of money to get in, wait in line for what seems like literally eternity, and by the time you get onto the rink you are cold and then after 5 minutes of skating you wonder why you were so looking forward to going around in circles with what is basically just dulled knives strapped to your feet. Skating on a frozen pond as a reason to learn to swim is entirely ridiculous. But, I could never swim in order to save myself from a shark or a tidal wave or a sheet of ice over my head, so...number 8, you have beaten me!

9. How to move on
Huh. I actually think I am pretty good at this, as my anger at a situation usually only lasts a few minutes or at most a few hours and then I move on. Only unless I feel I have been truly wronged will I confront an issue or stay mad for a period of time. I mean, I think I'm pretty good at moving on. I know quite a few people that are bitter about things that happened forever ago that didn't even matter. And I know for sure I don't want to be like those people. So I mean, I think I win at number 9.

10. How to strike a balance between work and life
This, I am AWESOME at. The end.

So it appears that I'm only not good at like 2.5 things. I'm ok with this. And in case you were wondering, I am not going to take swimming lessons at the Y.