Wednesday, July 8, 2009

In which I have an alligator purse and don't get sunburnt

So, right now I'm really tan. I know, I know, you're so jealous! For some reason every summer I "forget" to put sunscreen on my face. The rest of my body tans, my face just turns red and peels. Apparently I have ungodly layers of peelable skin on my giant nose and my giant forehead. These are the only two places on my face that get red, the only two places that peel, and the only two places that stick out the farthest from the rest of my dome piece. Its tragic, really. Now here's a tragedy for you:
And you know what, thats all I have to say about it. Because there is nothing worse to me than a peeling nose, knowing that people see me and think quietly to themselves "I can't stop staring at Sarah's giant peeling nose". Because I know that's what I would do. Oh, and speaking of tanning, only the front side of me is tan. I'm like one of those half-moon cookies from upstate New York. One side's black, the other side's white. This is because I forget to roll over when I am outdoors. Such is my life!

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
W. C. Fields

Monday, July 6, 2009

In which I wish I was wittier and do really cool things

So this weekend I found out that Rayne (Pronounced Renee. I know, fancy, right? I wish had a special spelling for my name. I've tried it before and it just doesn't work.) told everyone about my blog and they all had a grand ol' time reading it together. My first reaction of course was "Oh God, what did I write about?" and then second reaction was "Shit, I need to update again". And THEN, Lori said that I should write a book and I was like LORI I LOVE YOU because that is my dearest dream. Well, that and getting married, but whatever.

Sasstar BF'eff makes fun of me/loves me for how I come up with new career schemes on a weekly basis. Last week after I discovered I could make falafel, I was all "I could totally start my own mediterranean restaurant" and then this week I was all "I'm so organized and love weddings so much, I should be a wedding planner" and a couple weeks before that I was all "I'm so damn good at making this one website I could totally go into business for myself". Maybe someday I'll actually do something with one of my great ideas. Also, I think that Sasstar BF'eff should become a cooking teacher. She'd be really fancy at it.

Oh, so this past weekend a bunch of my favorite people and myself all went up to the Logcabinmansion in the Poconos, courtesy of Tom and Lori (who are of course included in the favorite people list). We did lots of fun things like hang out in the hot tub, eat bags of doritos, blow up car airbags, get in trouble for riding an ATV, go to a beach at a pond, make homemade mac and cheese, and lots of other things that only really cool people do. Also, I got a nice tan, which is very important to me. Astonishingly enough, the sunshine came out for the WHOLE weekend and is still out there. Which is annoying me now because guess where I am? Oh yeah, in my cubicle.

But its cool, tomorrow I have a computer class and then half day on Friday and then OCMD to stay at the Princess Bayside Hotel which has a pool on the ROOF.


"Things could always be worse; for instance,
you could be ugly and work in the Post Office."
Adrienne E. Gusoff

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

In which I dream about McDonalds and also bitch about the swine flu

I feel stressed and all I want to do is eat 5 bacon egg and cheese biscuits from mcdonalds and snuggle on the couch with all the curtains closed and watch 47 episodes of Friends. Tragically, my life is not this awesome. I am doomed to a life of misery and pain and suffering while working 8-5 every day. Not really, but, you know. My job is actually pretty good, just not when I have so many other better things I can think of to do. Like watch Friends on the couch. That, or...

You know, that is pretty much the best thing I can think of right now. Its still raining (stop already, for the love of christ) and I don't want to shop, I don't want to cook, I don't want to clean, I don't want to decorate, I don't want to exercise, I just want to watch Friends.

Sometimes I want to be allowed to walk around in my bare feet when I'm at work. I always have my shoes off in my cubicle. And then, when I have to get up, I have to put the damn things back on again. Life would be all sunshine and roses if only it was socially acceptable to walk around in your bare feet. Speaking of, why is that? Its not like having your feet out of your shoes is public indecency. I paint my toenails, I remove the stray hair or two that grows on my big toe. My feet are just fine. I don't really see what the big deal is if I walk over to the printer with no shoes on. Sigh. Such is my life.

I would now like to discuss the swine flu if you please. If you have bought into this utterly ridiculous media sensation, you are stupid. Yes, I said it. Please consider several facts, which I have gathered from The Center For Disease Control, because I was just that interested and a little bored:

1. The 'regular' flu kills 36,000 people in the US every year
2. The 'regular' flu kills between 250,000 and 500,000 people worldwide every year.
3. The 2009 swine flu, as of June 5, has killed 27 people in the US.
4. The 2009 swine flu has killed around 130-150 people worldwide.

Can I rest my case?

Ok, here's some more. The swine flu also had an outbreak in 1918 and in 1976. Do you know what the 1976 outbreak is called? "The Swine Flu 1976 Debacle". Some doctor got it into his head that he should declare a national pandemic and get the entire country vaccinated. And then people died from the vaccinations, not from the flu. This whole thing is so ludicrous I can't understand it. And what I am even more baffled by is that even though everybody I know thinks the "epidemic" is ridiculous, the media is still making it look like everyone is concerned. Oh media, you and your ulterior motives!...I wonder what Al Gore has up his sleeve this time? Oops, and now, I've said too much. I digress!

So if you are looking for something that's actually funny to read, check out The Psychology of Bumper Stickers from Mandy. I got a kick out of it, anyways.

"Life's disappointments are harder to take
when you don't know any swear words."
- Calvin & Hobbes

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

In which I have Random Tuesday Thoughts (again) and why exclamation points are annoying

Good morning on this horrible morning. I don't think I have ever seen so much lightning in my entire life as I did on my 40 minute drive to work today. Apparently, in the near vicinity, it struck 2,000 times in one hour. How they calculated that so quickly and accurately, I'm not entirely sure. Fortunately it did not start storming until right before I left for work. If it had been storming while my alarm was going off, I most certainly would not have gotten out of bed and would have come up with an excuse as to why it would be ok for me to be late to work. Unfortunately, I was so concerned as to the location of my umbrella, that I forgot several important things:
1. My lunch. Which means I will eat in the cafeteria today which means I will probably consume ungodly amounts of carbs and fats, telling myself its ok because I never eat lunch in the caf. But then I will probably eat there again on Thursday because of another nonsense excuse, like I brought my lunchbox but forgot to put lunch inside of it. Yes, this has happened to me before.
2. My gym bag. Which means not only will I eat a delicious/expensive/addingtothetirearoundmymiddle lunch, I will end up not going to the gym in an attempt to work it off.
3. The Skinny Water I was working on. It is now left to get dumped over by the cat or to gather spiders hanging from the ceiling, like the one that tried to get into my scrambled eggs this morning. Leaving the drink really isn't that big of a tragedy, but still. I forgot it.

I am a computer goddess. The Director of my dept told me again that he "didn't know there was so much talent in this department" after perusing the website I have poured a good portion of bloodsweatandtears into. Also, everyone has discovered my knowledge of computer programs. I am good at 1. pretending to know things and 2. learning things quickly because sometimes people ask me for help and I don't really know what they are talking about, but I will figure it out. Because I am awesome. Especially at Visio 2003. I decided today that I will write a tutorial on it for our department, because I just can't be bothered with people always needing me to design things for them. I'm just THAT busy! Hahahahaha

Michael and I are having a housewarming party. I accidentally invited about 35 people. 20 of them are Attending (minus Thimba, who always responds Yes to facebook events even though he lives in Kenya), 7 are Maybe Attending, 2 Are Not Attending, and 4 are Awaiting Reply (which, I might add, are Michael's relatives. For shame.) I am not sure how I am going to fit all of these people into my house but it's nice to know I'm popular. Or at least I am dating someone who is.

Also, I do not like people who overuse exclamation points. Allow me to share with you a brief excerpt from one person I am fB friends with:
"I LOVE MY LIFE!! I married an amazing man who also happens to be my best friend! We are great together! He understands me, and I understand him! And we Love each other very much! We always make everything fun, I don't know how but we do!! We just had our first child! Hes an amazing little boy! We are completely thrilled to have him home, hes home with Mommy and Daddy and we couldn't be happier!"
This hurts my eyeballs just looking at it. My sister also commits this travesty. NO ONE is that happy and exclamation points are extremely overrated. And so, for the love of God, please refrain from the use of exclamation points unless you are ACTUALLY jumping up and down and screaming, because that's what your punctuation is telling me.


Thursday, June 4, 2009

In which I throw a Pretty Pretty Princess party and make a hate list

Currently, I am compling a list of things that I hate. Because there are a lot of those things and I feel compelled to share. However, the list is not complete and so I am not at liberty to divulge at this present time. I just realized that maybe I should also compile a list of things I love. I thought of 4 things really fast, and then couldn't think of anything else. I'm sure it will come to me, but keep in mind -- the hate list will probably be like waaaay bigger. And probably funnier.

Yesterday one of my BF'effers turned 25. And we threw her a suprise Pretty Pretty Princess party. I love surprising people and I love giving them presents and I love having parties for them. Its a thing. So I spent $40 at the party store (which was waaaay more than I had intended to spend but, you know, whatever) and got shit loads of pink princessy stuff.

I felt it necessary to tell the cash register-eer and the woman in line behind me that I was having a Princess party, in case they couldn't tell. The woman behind me said "Oh how nice! How old is your little girl?" And I said "Oh, tragically I do not have kids {here i almost inserted my speel about how i wish my boyfriend would just ask me to marry him already because im not getting any younger and i will be very angry if im an old mom and also whats the difference if you know you want to be with me forever then lets just do it and quit dragging it out already. But i didn't say any of that}. Its for my friend. She is turning 25." And the woman said "Oh my gosh, she is just going to loooove it! And you are just going to be a great mom someday, I can tell." I wanted to kiss her for that comment, but refrained.

So this particular BF'effer has a boyfriend and on the way over to the surprise party, he told her, very offishly, that he was sorry he didn't really do anything for her birthday but its not because he doesn't love her, its just that he doesn't really give a shit about anybody's birthday. My BF'effer promptly broke down into tears and almost refused to get out of the car to walk into the house. Thank sweet baby Jesus she did, we all yelled surprise and played Happy Birthday by the Ting Tings, and I pinned a princess button on her and crowned her the Princess of Delight and Enchantment with a plastic tiara, and then we played Pretty Pretty Princess Snow White Edition and ate pizza and drank champagne. I KNOW - we are a very fancy, grownup group of friends.

So anyways, the new apartment is shaping up very nicely. I still have a line of boxes/bags against one wall that is all decorations that I just don't feel like sorting out. The Princess BF'eff came over on Tuesday and I took her to visit Princess Sally Snickerdoodle the Swan.

(Apparently I have a thing for Princesses?)

My other BF'effer (Who I will heretofore refer to as my Sassstar BF'eff) and her boyfriend are coming to visit on Saturday! *insert my happy butt wiggle dance* We are going to a car show and going to the pool and Sassstar BF'eff doesn't know it yet because I keep forgetting to tell her, we are going to a Rib and Steakhouse for dinner. Also, I get to show off my apartment that has all matching bathroom items and a sparkly blue lamp.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

In which I write Random Tuesday Thoughts and love Amazon

I made dinner for the first time in the new apartment last night. Pizza. With only sauce and cheese because I forgot to take the pepperoni out of the old fridge. And I made pizza because the only thing I have to use for cooking in the oven is a pizza pan. Then this morning I was going to make eggs and toast for breakfast (gosh I know, I'm so healthy), only to realize that i have no pan for making said eggs, and that I still am not the owner of a toaster. They are coming in the mail soon! Thank you Amazon.Com and your Free Super Saver Shipping.

I watched Slumdog Millionaire last night. God knows I am the one person in the world that tears up over commercials with cute babies in them, but for this movie, only one lone tear dribbled down my cheek at the end when they kiss. That was it. To be honest, I was absolutely expecting a little more melodrama because I heard it made, like, everyone I know cry. Also, I predicted every single thing that happened. Not be whatever, but I mean I'm kind of a movie snob and I'm pretty good at guessing movie endings. To which the slumdog was no exception. That being said, it was a pretty good movie and I was impressed, even if it was lacking in the sobbing and suspense departments.

Something that really irritates me is people who don't update their blog. I mean, I understand a few days. I even understand a week. But, a month? Why even bother having one? And now, every single day, I check your blog hoping for updates on your boring life to keep my own a little more thrilling...but nothing. But then I can't not click your blog every day because you know as soon as I stop checking, you will start updating again and I will miss out on very important things, like how your kid won't wear pants or how you saved .34 cents on a jar of kidney beans. Hello, I added you to my faves for a reason. I have concluded that those of you who are guilty of this are a bunch of stuck up sasses who obviously have far more important things to do with your lives than I do and quite frankly, I don't need to be reminded. Maybe I will delete you from my faves tomorrow...after I check for an update one last time.

Michael, (my main mc in da hood a'ight), told me last night he is thinking about quitting baseball. To which I inwardly gasped and outwardly sweetly and concernedly said "Oh, really?". Lets get one thing straight. Michael loves three things in this world - baseball, cars, and me. Hopefully not in that order. So I nonchalantly (this was very difficult for me because baseball cuts into my fun summer activities and leaves me very lonely during the summer and there is nothing I would love better than to have him not play baseball. Plus I always feel obligated to go to his games which is a bummerrrrr because I sit by myself in the hot sun and think about all the things I would rather be doing - like being dead or having nails jabbed into my ears.) asked why he was considering such a thing and his reasons were 1.) it takes up too much of his time 2.) he spends lots of money on gas driving to all the games b/c they are always in outlandish foreign places, and 3.) he wants to be able to work more because he needs money for "our future".

So then he says not only does he want to quit baseball, but he also wants to get a 2nd job (which I thought was a horrible idea, but didn't say this because you have to let them think they came up ideas on their own) so I gently and unobtrusively mentioned things until he figured out that he should work more hours at Pep Boys/get his hours switched because he would make more money doing that than he would unloading trucks two days a week or waiting tables for like 2 or 3 shifts. Also, if he had 2 jobs and worked every single hour of his life, he would be the crankiest person I know and that's pretty much just unacceptable to me. I think I should get some brownie points for telling him what to do without him knowing it. Or at least a chocolate cake. With chocolate frosting. And chocolate chips. And chocolate sprinkles.

At my work there is a robot mail truck. His name is Sedrick. Its written on the side with a giant picture of a man with spectacles. Yes, I said spectacles and no, I can't make this shit up.

So, this has been a blogging first for me. Thanks to The Un Mom for letting just anyone join in. Gosh golly gee I hope I did ok!


Monday, June 1, 2009

In which I can't walk and drink copious amounts of coffee

Let me begin by stating that Michael and I are 1) impatient 2) determined 3) goal oriented. These are mostly admirable qualities. On Saturday we signed a lease for our new apartment, which was pretty damn exciting. Our original plan was that we would move a few things in, then slowly move everything in and start living there June 13th. On Friday night, we decided we would move in over the course of this week and start living there June 6th. On Saturday night, we decided that we should move everything in over the course of 24 hours and start living there yesterday.

This we did, because as previously stated we are very 1) impatient 2) determined 3) goal oriented. However, we are also a little bit prissy and don't ask for help. So we moved everything all by ourselves. Currently I am suffering from Sorebackitis, Donotusemylegs Disease and Half-Opened Eye Lid Syndrome.

But on the bright side, it is with great pride that I live in my new place, even if it is a little small. I took many jumps for joy inside my head while moving out, thinking of how I would never again face to flights of stairs or try to fit my food in the freezer or wonder what happened to all the toilet paper that I bought. Also my Kittywhoisnamedkitty seems to be pretty happy in the new place. However, I'm worried that she is going to get fat and pissy now that she can't explore the outdoors. Fat and/or ugly animals are embarassing to me. My cat is neither, but if she turns into a fatty I will be very put out. Damn you, 2nd floor apartment.

Also - in our complex, there is a lake. In the lake, there lives a swan. It was deemed necessary to name this swan. Thanks to the process of naming an animal that doesn't even belong to us, I don't think I ever want to name a child. It took us a half hour of arguing - I was partial to Princess Matilda Olivia Jane. Michael rolled his eyes at me and then recommended Queen DeepThroat, because he thinks it probably could. Men. In the end, the only name we both agreed upon was Princess Sally Snickerdoodle the Swan. So that is its name, and God help my future children.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

In which I prepare for basic cable and the tragedy sure to ensue

So much for my attempts at blogging every day. Here it is, already Wednesday, and I haven't written since last Friday. In my defense, three day weekends full of drinking and parties and recoveries are just not condusive to blogging. For me anyways.

My weekend began with my cousins wedding. Which, happily, was not uneventful. Me and all of my cousins got drunk together, discussed why we haven't been better friends our whole lives, had a Sublime sing-a-long at 3am, and, in general, a simply splendid time. Next day, Michael and I trekked back to Philadelphia. Which took us five hours because someone decided it would be a good idea to get into a car accident on Sunday afternoon, on memorial day weekend.

On a side note, I have something to say about car accidents. As much as bad drivers make me irate and cause me to string words together that my mother would not approve of, I think we are pretty lucky to encounter accidents as rarely as we do. With the number of morons that are allowed to have their drivers license these days, statistically speaking shouldn't we see more accidents? Not that I am complaining, of course.

Anyways. We finally made it home and consumed more obscene amounts of alcohol for the rest of the day/night/morning. Fortunately, I am a smarty-mc-smartypants and drank a glass of water between every 2 drinks. Yes, I peed a lot. But I was not trashed and therefore had nothing to be embarassed about the next day. Also, I didn't have a raging headache, which is always pretty badass.

Monday, in my state of non-hungoverness, I went to the pool for the first time, which was first rate. My bikini body leaves quite a bit to be desired, per usual. And after the pool, I went out for mexican food, so that made the bod even better! Ha.

Saving some $$$
Yes, I have decided to remove the grasp of Directv from around my throat. I am currently preparing to rid myself of several hundred/thousand/million (does anyone really know??) channels and *gasp* DVR. I am going to get basic cable.

Cable is very expensive. Currently, we pay $120 a month to Directv to have cable, showtime/starz, DVR, HD, and 3 separate boxes in the house - this does not even include internet. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that I can get basic cable, 50 channels, for $19.95. Ludicrous, I know!

This current $120 is split between 5 people who live in my house so its really not that bad and works out just fine. But now, Michael and I are getting a place and the idea of paying $60 a month EACH just so that we can watch TV is kind of, i mean absolutely, ridiculous.

50 channels sounds really sad. But honestly, every single show I watch is on one of those basic channels. Except Dexter. Ok, and Weeds. But I can watch both of them on Hulu. Losing DVR will be sad but again, if I miss an episode, I can watch it on Hulu. Technically, I could probably give up TV all together and just plug my computer into the tv and watch Hulu all day long. Truly, it is a blessing bestowed upon mankind.

Also, I spend SO much time in front of the tv. After cooking dinner and going to the gym, I sit on my ass the rest of the night. Or like last night - I didn't feel like going to the gym OR cooking dinner so I did nothing except sit in front of the television and flip through several hundred channels and watched nothing of interest (that new show, Mental, is terrible by the way).

So. In twopointfive weeks I will be downgraded and DVRless. But its ok because I will have extra money in my pocket, and extra time on my hands. I hope to not only cut back my tv watching time, but also maybe cut out some of the shows that I watch all together. Now I just have to find some new hobbies...

Thursday, May 21, 2009

In which I am the goddess of web design, and make potatoes

The Intranets
I am designing a website for my department. I want to start off by saying that yesterday, after going over it with my boss, he said to me "I didn't know we had this kind of talent in our department!" It doesn't take much to make me feel proud of myself, let me tell you one thing for sure.

I am brand new to this job, and when I say brand new I mean like 8 months. So I had originally started with this website idea in January, and after sharing it with all my bosses they were like "We always wanted one!" to which I was then like "OK, cool." Thats not exactly what happened, but almost. Then, I discovered that I had to use an internal web design program to make this website. Figuring this program out took me the better part of two months. Mostly because I got incredibly frustrated and slacked off trying to understand it. (Sort of like algebra in 7th grade.) But then, one day, something clicked and I knew how to use it! (Which, by the way, is exactly not what happened with algebra in 7th grade).

All this to say, my director and I decided that Company Rollout will be June 15th. He is speaking at some big important meeting with a bunch of important people at some point and is going to show it off there. It's pretty exciting to me, I feel like I am finally finding my niche in the office. I would post this website for the world to see but its an internal I will just have to brag about it and hope that everyone believes when I say I am the goddess of web design.

The secret of greatness is simple: do better work than any other man in your field - and keep on doing it. - Wilfred A Peterson

In which I get a letter from the President of Merck

My weekend was uneventful. Michael and I had decided last weekend that we have been doing too much weekend driving lately and that we would stay put for this one. So we did. It was a little boring but it was nice.

Saturday Michael and I went gallavanting off at 8am to yard sale. We were sorely disappointed, and bought not even one thing. Yard saling on the Main Line is always hit or miss. The yuppies charge so much for their stuff, I almost wonder why they even bother putting it outside to begin with. Then Michael fixed someone's car, and I went to the gym. Then I scrubbed the bathroom. I always let these stort of things drag out, in hopes that someone else will do it, as I utterly despise bathroom cleaning. Tragically, this didn't happen today. So I finally just did it. And it was gross and nasty and I cried a little. This regulary happens with things like the dishes, the garbage, the vacuuming, the rotting vegetables in the fridge, and the random clothes and shoes that fall wherever they come off.

Michael had a baseball game in the afternoon, which he won because he is the King of Everything. I went and brought a folding chair, which was the best thing I have ever thought of in my life! Usually I get so grumpy at his games but that chair changed it all. I didn't have to sit on the bleachers and so I didn't get uncomfortable and I could move it whenever I felt too hot in the sun and I had my own spot and didn't feel awkward sitting next to people I didn't know. But then I got a sunburn. Oh well.

Sunday, I visited Trader Joe's bright and early. I love this little grocery store. Even though half the things I buy when I food shop they don't have...which means I have to go to Wal-Mart afterwards anyways. I don't care though, it makes me feel so sunshiny being there! Also, I cleaned the house again, per usual.

Last night I did not fall asleep until 3am. I couldn't stop thinking and couldn't get comfortable and someone kept turning the hall light outside my room on and that just drives me NUTS. Then I awoke at 6:45am, feeling surprisingly awake and refreshed. Odd. I had originally intended to awake at 6:30 to begin a new morning routine, but my excuse was "I didn't fall asleep until 3am, so I can stay in bed a few more minutes". I am so tragically lazy sometimes. But I got up nonetheless and made time for myself to eat a fiber and protein rich breakfast. Which I have read will aid in my strive for weightloss. So I had an egg, some yogurt, and a piece of toast. This toast I purchased from Trader Joe's, and the man there assured me that it was delicious and fluffy and not at all grainy and wheaty. He lied, and it was. Oh well.

Now I have just returned from my 10:30 meeting to discover a letter on my desk. It is from one Mr Robert McMahon, the President of Merck & Co, my employer. He would like to congratulate me upon my recent Six Sigma Greent Belt certification, and it has his real signature on it. While I don't pretend to think that he actually even looked at the letter he was signing, it is fun knowing that for 3 seconds, Mr. Robert McMahon, President, did something that involved me.

My flowers have died :( I decided I need to buy a plant for my desk.

"He who wants to change the world should begin by cleaning the dishes." - Paul Carvel